Dear Diary,
I've done something
different for this week.
I wanted to share a poem
about someone very special,
who will always remain,
close to my heart:
I close my eyes,
afraid to look into the darkness.
A little girl torn,
between two families.
Stained by the wrath of the adults,
who should have protected her.
"Mommy, why are you crying?"
The lies that occurred stung,
like wasps attacking in mass.
These adults that,
should have protected her,
once upon a time... her family,
Now turned against her.
She can't wipe the tears,
from her mothers eyes,
too young to understand why.
The harsh reality that comes with the pain of losing,
falling, so young, so innocent,
mocked and ridiculed like a sinner,
by these adults that were meant to be her family.
Watching the tears flowing like streams from her mothers eyes.
A sister too young to understand,
why we had to go it alone and why it's so cold.
I vow to God, one day I will become something,
mine will be the name on everyone's lips.
They will see my face everywhere,
screaming, "Hey kid! Do you remember me?"
And I hope I am big enough to say, "Yes, I do. I remember your smell.
I remember the games we used to play. I remember calling you my sister....
I remember....."
But... the pain... I imagine... would have cut too deep,
and so I would deny that I knew you.
I remember waking up, alone in the middle of the night.
I remember her drunken snores next to me.
My little sister too young to understand,
torn from the family that was suppose to protect me.
I remember clinging to the illusion that I am someone,
writing away my pain in a land filled with dreams,
and screams that only I can hear.
I remember staring into the sky and yelling,
" I'd rather die than ever be this alone again."
And you were never really good to me,
my only friend was my imagination.
Contemplating how to cut away this pain,
so the blood flows freely.
I remember everything that was ever done to me,
too young to defend myself so I pretend to forget.
Invention of a whole new person,
leaving the past behind.
The past is but a distant dream,
that never really happened to me.
I remember today, yesterday, an hour ago,
second when I hit my toe against my door and it bled.
I remember studying so hard to achieve,
all the while my demons were screaming,
"Kid... is this all you got? You must work hard until it hurts to feel."
I remember my first kiss, how it felt like slimy slug crawling on my lips,
although I don't remember who by.
I remember that pink was my favorite colour and how I worked for a pound an hour.
Saved up so I can buy that 600 pound dress that I only wore once.
I remember telling a man he wasn't my father and yet he was in theory.
I remember feeling like I'd rather be dead than alone,
so I will clung to you instead.
I remember it all as I think about the image of the little girl with her imaginary friend.
One day I hope I am big enough to blow you away so you glide in the wind.
One day I won't remember you,
but today I can say,
my past was a prison I'd rather forget.
If you ask me if I ever remember you, I would say no,
a million times over until my voice hoarse and become sore.
I didn't have a choice then, but I have choices now.
So that I don't......ever want to remember......I mean......
I don't remember what I choose to forget.
And so I ask you,
to let go of the pain,
and start living the way you intended.
